


Homesick

by everything_else



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Break Up, basically just them being exes who still love each other, groundbreaking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-25 18:54:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16666345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everything_else/pseuds/everything_else
Summary: It was Isak- his Isak- standing there on the doorstep like a kick in the gut, and Even would have been angry if he hadn’t been such a wreck. He could barely stand up and he looked like he wasn’t even sure where he was. Every time they’d met since the break-up Isak had kept his distance: cold and untouchable. Now Even had to keep his balance for him, and Isak leaned into it like he trusted him to hold him up.“I’m drunk and I miss you like fuck and then I just ended up here.”//5 times they take care of each other after the break up. +1





	1. Chapter 1

They’d been broken up for one month when Isak got a call from someone called Tina.

He pulled on a pair of jeans under his Simpsons t-shirt and grabbed his bomber with the keys in the pocket. It was dark and cold outside, and he could see his breath turn opaque in the air.

He looked for him down by the harbour, where they used to walk for hours when Even wasn’t calm enough to sleep, and then in shops and supermarkets, where livid white lights bounced off the floors of the aisles.

It was rare that Even went missing when they were together, but Isak still knew where to look.

Seeing him again made Isak’s whole world narrow to the pain of those five months. He was wearing his dusty blue hoodie and he was talking anxiously on the phone. He had a trolley full of two litre bottles of water.

“Yeah, yeah. I know, I’m fine, but swear you’ll look it up? It’s really important. Okay I have to go, Isak’s here.”

He said it easily, as if Isak was just a friend, and not the boy he left crying four weeks ago in the flat they shared.

Even ran his hand through his hair. “Yousef’s worried about me, but I told him there was no point. Because then I just feel guilty, like I did with you.”

A corner of Isak’s mouth tried to smile. He couldn’t do this. “You’re manic, babe.”

The ‘babe’ just slipped out, and it made Isak want to curl into himself even more. Even didn’t seem to notice. “I know, but you are too” he smiled, “We both are. That’s why I loved you. And that’s why we didn’t work, because we were both scared and stressed and worried about each other, and you kept trying to make me think that you loved me when you didn’t. You didn’t!”

Isak just looked at him. It was too cruel to make him say it here, under stark white lights in the drinks aisle of an empty supermarket.

_Of course I did._

Tina met them outside. She was beautiful, probably on Even’s university program, with long dark hair in braids. Isak watched them hug with his hands tucked deep into his pockets.

“Thank you” she said.

“Just don’t let him be alone.”

 

* * *

 

It was Friday night and Even’s flatmates were all out. They had wanted him to come, but they always tried to get him to hook up or drink or take something, and Even didn’t want to do that tonight. He was trying to take better care of himself.

Apparently, that meant black tea and university work in his sweatpants on the sofa, while some shitty film played out on TV. No one had bothered to fix the doorbell, which was why it took him a moment to register the quiet whirr.

It was Isak- his Isak- standing there on the doorstep like a kick in the gut, and Even would have been angry if he hadn’t been such a wreck. He could barely stand up and he looked like he wasn’t even sure where he was. Every time they’d met since the break-up Isak had kept his distance: cold and untouchable. Now Even had to keep his balance for him, and Isak leaned into it like he trusted him to hold him up.

“I’m drunk and I miss you like fuck and then I just ended up here.”

“Okay” was all Even said, as if his whole world didn’t crumple when Isak’s fingers closed in his shirt.

He helped him over to the sofa, and Isak tucked his legs up to his chest like he lived here. “I wanted to say sorry for being a shitty boyfriend, but it probably wasn’t a good idea.”

“No, probably not” said Even.

Isak was never a shitty boyfriend. He was unreasonable sometimes, he got angry, especially while he was working night shifts in intensive care, but Even was shit at dealing with it. He internalised and retaliated only when he couldn’t take any more; when Isak was tired and stressed and had probably seen someone die that day.

Isak lay down and nestled his face into his sweater sleeve. His eyelashes brushed against it.

“Jonas” he mumbled, when Even asked who he’d been out with. “Dickhead.” Even didn’t know which one of them he was talking about but he smiled despite himself.

At first, when the distance got too much between them, they realised. They talked and hugged until everything felt okay again, but it was exhausting. Even was struggling in his first year at university and it was too much for Isak to be worrying about him when his night shifts took all the physical and emotional energy that boy had to give. Eventually, he didn’t want to talk anymore, and hugging just made him sad. Even had never been more lonely.

Isak had a light frown on his forehead, his neatly pointed eyebrows scrunched together, and he coughed and swore under his breath. He was way past his usual level of drunk- loud and clumsy and over-affectionate- probably further than Even had ever seen him. He got him a blanket, because he wasn’t going anywhere now, and put a pillow behind him to make sure he wouldn’t turn onto his back. His features were soft with sleep.

Once, Even let himself fall asleep on the sofa with a guy from film studies, and Isak found them when he got home.

_I’m sorry. You’re the only person I ever wanted to fall asleep on the sofa with._

 

* * *

 

 

“Hi? Is this Isak?”

Isak leaned away from the vague and impassioned debate going on around him. “Um, yeah? Who is this?”

“My name’s Simon, I’m Even’s- Um.” the voice stopped. “Even Bech Naesheim? You used to know him, right?”

“Used to” Isak repeated. “Why?”

“I don’t know what to do. I think he’s depressed.”

Isak excused himself from the circle and made his way quickly through the small crowd. It was still early evening so the rooms upstairs were empty. He picked the furthest one and shut the door behind him.

“Where is he now? Is he safe?”

“Yeah, he’s sleeping now.” said Simon. “But he has been for a really long time, and he doesn’t talk much.” Isak just nodded, keeping his eyes on the floor: clothes sprawled on bare floorboards.

 “…but he talks a bit?”

“Yeah. A bit.”

“Okay”. Isak sighed. “That’s normal, you need to let him rest.”

He didn’t want to be having this conversation. It had been two years since Even left, and he didn’t want to know where he was, what he was doing, definitely not who he was seeing. He didn't want to know. Even wouldn’t want him to either, he would hate everything about this.

 “Okay, I’m sorry for calling you. it’s just Mikahil said you were good at dealing with it…”

“Don’t worry about it” said Isak, but he couldn’t quite hide the annoyance that had flared up in him, at Mikhail, and at this fucking guy, who did’t know how to fucking be there for someone, and instead had to phone him on a Saturday night and make him scared.

Because his first instinct was to go to him, of course it was. He wanted to run for a train like he would have in a heartbeat when Even wanted him. And now he had to think of him under a duvet somewhere, without Isak to stroke through his hair and distract him from the thoughts in his head.

He had to stand in this room, where the music downstairs sounded a long way away, and try not to ask the things he didn't want to know.

 _Is he okay? Does he still smile and laugh like he used to? Is he still messy and annoying and shit at dealing with conflict? I_ _s he still kind and passionate and patient and warm? Does he still find the coolest people and the coolest places like they’re lit up with bright glowing lights?_

_If you ever forget him, will you tell me how?_

 

* * *

 

**ISAK**

Hi

It’s Isak

Valtersen

I know

I didn’t delete your number you know

I just wanted to know how you are.

I’m okay

Why now?

Your boyfriend said you were depressed last week

Oh.

He’s not my boyfriend

Sure

I’m serious

I haven’t been with anyone since you

I have

But I miss you

Let me come over

You’re in Oslo?

Only until tomorrow

*     *     *

Even only came back for the weekend. He didn’t want to stay. Oslo felt like home, but it also felt like Isak.

He wished he was drunk, that would be a better excuse for this. But it was Sunday night and he wasn’t, he was just cold.

“Hi”

“Hi”

Isak was different, harder to read, and there was a restless quality about him that Even wanted to allay. Just being close again had shifted something inside him, because Isak was tired, he could tell, but still beautiful, always beautiful.

Even left him 2 years ago, when it felt like the only thing to do. Neither of them were managing, neither of them were okay. Even’s mental health was slipping and he couldn’t bear to put Isak through that again, not when his job took every ounce of strength that boy had in him.

“Fucking hell.” said Isak. He let his head fall back, as if in frustration, but his voice sounded strange. “I was so fucking nearly over you.”

Even pushed him gently back until his back hit the wall, because if anything was ever going to break his restraint it was those words.

They were inches apart now,  and suddenly Even couldn’t breathe anymore, overwhelmed with relief and sadness and want, crushing, inexorable want.

“Do it tomorrow then.” He whispered.

“I don’t fucking need this.” Said Isak. “I was doing fine.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“This is happening once, and then you’re leaving. I can’t fucking deal with your shit right now.”

“I know baby.”

He was tense, Even could feel it in every line of his body that he still knew like it was his own. The room felt strange, like Even shouldn’t be there, or like it should never have existed, but how could he concentrate on that when Isak was under him? He slid his hands up under his shirt and hooked an arm around his waist while Isak tugged at his belt.

Isak was quiet, so much quieter than he used to be, and Even revelled in every sigh, every hitch of his breath, every tightening of his legs around his waist. He coaxed more sounds out every way he knew how and every time Isak moaned into his shoulder he wanted to turn his head up and kiss him. He wanted to feel the shock of it run all through Isak’s body and then to feel him soften, feel the anger and the pain melt away, but that’s wouldn’t be fair, it wouldn’t be fair.

“Please leave” said Isak. He had withdrawn as soon as they finished and sat on the edge of the bed with his back to Even.

“Isak..”

“You said you’d leave after, so put your clothes on and go.”

Even got dressed quietly, his heart and his muscles sore. He pressed a kiss to Isak’s shoulder before he left.

 

* * *

 

 

The bar was packed, mostly with students, but then, what did Isak expect from a bar with shots for 10 kroner? The walls were exposed brickwork and the tables tipped when you leaned too hard on them. Isak was the level of drunk where he was doing that a lot.

“You okay?” asked the guy opposite him. His name was Ivan and he had nice shoulders, and while Isak wasn’t planning on sex after the second date, plans could change.

Isak raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Ivan laughed. “No reason. Do you want another drink?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Isak watched him go up and order two more pints. The lights were naked bulbs, probably partly for the hipster aesthetic and partly because it saved money, and they glinted in the array of glasses lined up behind the bar.

There was an almost continuous stream of people coming in, chatting and laughing over the outdated pop music playing over the speakers, a lot of them probably only here for a few drinks before they hit the club down the road. He actually recognised some of the guys coming in now: Mutta and Elias and-

“I have to go” he said, even though Ivan was still at the bar and no one could really hear him. He got up, feeling dizzy.

Even was wearing a black denim jacket with a cigarette tucked behind his ear, and he stopped smiling when he saw Isak.

_Fuck this. Fuck this._

Isak pushed past and out into the night air. He heard Elias say something sarcastic behind him, but he bit down his anger. He wanted to shout, and kick something, because Even looked like he was trying to pull tonight, Even who he had shown up at his house two months ago and called him baby and hadn’t kissed him but had wrecked him anyway.

_Fuck you. Fuck you._

He was on the corner of the quiet road when he felt a hand on his elbow.

“-Isak, wait.”

“Fuck you Even.” he said, but his voice sounded weak and Even didn’t let go. Isak didn’t mean to push him hard, and he wasn’t thinking about how close he was to the corner of the building, but Even’s head hit the brick edge hard with a sickening thunk.

 *     *     *

“Do you feel nauseous? How’s your vision.”

Even smiled. “Do you want me to tell you how many fingers?”

“Shut up.” He was still angry, but it felt thin. “Look at me” he instructed, and Even did. He didn’t look dazed, his eyes seemed focused. “You look okay.”

Even smiled, and it made Isak’s chest ache. “Thanks. I’ll live, then?”

“Yeah, you’ll live.”

He looked down then, and Isak wanted to brush back that dumb piece of hair that always fell down onto his forehead.

“How long are you back for?” he asked after a moment. He couldn’t bear this, he couldn’t bear Even being near. All it had taken was one night with him in his bed and Isak was nineteen again and broken.

“I dropped out.”

Isak frowned. “What? Why?”

A car passed on the street. Even didn't meet his eyes, and he shrugged like he did when he didn't want to tell the truth.

“Homesick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment <3333  
> i know i've been gone for ages i'm sorry. i'm at uni now but i've been thinking about this for ages but i was putting off writing it because writing them broken up was hard af.  
> Anyway I'll probably write a +1 soon where they sort their shit out idk.


	2. Chapter 2

Even liked working Saturdays. The restaurant was always full, which was hard on the guys in the kitchen, but he liked how fast it was; there wasn't time to think about anything beyond table numbers and orders and impatient requests. For a while he wasn't the director of his own life, he could just be an extra in other people's, and he was good at it. The couple he was serving right now were nice, and they wouldn't mind waiting an extra minute for their wine.

Even leaned over the bar, where Lisa was kneeling to restock the fridges. "Are you coming out after this?"

She ignored him.

"You're upset."

She stood up, and two pieces of hair framed her face in front of her short, neat ponytail. She was cute, but Even never wanted anything serious.

"I'm not coming out tonight." She spoke to him with an edge of spite that only came from hurt, and Even felt like shit. "Maybe you should call your ex."

 

The walls in the back room were lined with heavy winter coats, and there was a tangle of phones and phone chargers on the table. Even's phone was lit up with two missed calls.

“This is Doctor Ryssdalsnes. I'm calling for Isak Valtersen, he's been in a car accident." Even couldn't react, he couldn't move. That would make this real. The woman was still talking. "He's okay but we need someone to take him home and keep an eye on him tonight, can you come to the city hospital?"

Even nodded before he realised she couldn't see him. He couldn't even register his relief. His whole night was changing into something different, something awful and scary and wrong, so so wrong. Isak was hurt. He didn't know. "I'll be ten minutes."

He didn’t tell anyone he was leaving. He would have to take the bus home and pick up the car. Outside it was so dark he could barely see. 

The hospital wasn't far. He had been there a few times as a teenager, and as bad as things had been since the break-up, they had never been as bad as the two years before he met Isak. Isak had pulled him back from that edge and kept him there, taught him to take things minute by minute, until everything calmed and re-centred around them. Always them.

And then he left, and Isak would never forgive him. So they got on with their lives, they saw other people, and every now and then they fucked, when they were drunk and sad and missed the way only the other knew how.

The woman at the front desk told him Isak was in emergency care, and Even wanted to run. He hated this place, he hated the jade green and the pristine floors and the way the air tasted like sanitizer. He hated the determined sense of calm that seemed to stifle everything else.

_He’s fine. You’re being stupid. He’s fine._

He sat down outside the double doors that led to the emergency ward, and tried to keep calm. He knew emergency wasn't as bad as it sounded, it was where they brought people who needed immediate attention, not necessarily people who were seriously injured. That was intensive care, where Even had been. The corridor was quiet. He couldn’t tell how much further it stretched on, through a pair of double doors and then further, through more doors. Maybe there was another Even down there, waiting for another Isak, and maybe that Even wasn’t finding it quite so hard to keep himself together. Maybe that Even wasn't so scared, because he had told Isak what he hoped Isak knew.

_Even if you can’t forgive me, even if we’re a disaster and you’re better off without me, even if I have to hear about you through friends and come to your wedding and wonder about all the other universes where we got to grow old together, you’re still the man of my life._

And then he was there, and relief hit Even so hard he couldn’t breathe for a second.

“Hi."

“Fuck, Is.”

Even hugged him so that Isak wouldn't have to see his face. He rested his chin in his hair and Isak let him draw his arms around him like he had a thousand times, but not recently. Not like this. He was careful not to hold tight, he didn't know where Isak was hurt, but he could tell from the way Isak stood and accepted Even's warmth that he was okay. Shaken, but okay.

“I’m sorry.” Isak murmered into his shirt. “The guys aren’t in Oslo and no one can fucking get hold of Eskild on a Saturday. And...I didn’t really feel like seeing Sana right now.”

“That's okay”

He didn't pull back when Even thought he would, his arms stayed firm around his waist, and every second they hugged it felt like it might be harder to break apart. 

“Just so you know, I’m on a lot of painkillers right now.“

 

 *     *     *

 

It was late morning, and Isak’s apartment filled up with dusty light. Even had only ever seen it at night, but so much of it was familiar: Isak’s mess, his clothes, his sheets. He was sleeping lightly, and Even remembered mornings like this back at their old apartment, before Isak worked nights, when they got to wake up together and watch the sun creep across the duvet.

Isak shifted in bed, and Isak could almost hear the frown in his voice. “You don’t have to be on the floor you know. We literally fucked a week ago.”

His voice was all low and sleepy. Even never got to see Isak in the mornings now, when he was grumpy but there was no sharpness in it, just yawns and soft edges.

Isak's bed was more comfortable than the floor, and it was soaked in his warmth. Even had been in it a few times in the last few months, but it had never been just to rest like this, tendrils of sleep curling around his limbs. He could let himself have this, because he told the doctor he'd keep an eye on Isak for a while. He had had a mild concussion, and there was a bad bruise on his side.

“How do you feel?” Even asked him,  “Do you need more painkillers?”

Isak shook his head. There was a bruise on his cheek from where the airbag had made his hand hit his face, and it was bad enough that Even knew if he'd hit the steering wheel at that force, he'd be in serious trouble.

“You scared me.” He said quietly. He felt like being honest. In a way, Isak had been honest in telling them to call him last night. "What happened?"

"I think he was drunk."

"Jesus."

Even brought a hand to his face, because he couldn't help it, because what if it had been worse. Isak leaned into his touch and Even shifted closer. He didn’t have to think about this, it was the most natural thing in the world. He sat up and let Isak bury his face in his neck and wrap his arms around him, bunching up the back of his rumpled waiters shirt and finding bare skin to press himself up against. Even ran his hands up and down his back in a soothing rhythm.

"You scared me so much baby."

“I can’t keep doing this” said Isak.

“I know.”

And he did. It was taking a strain on both of them, one that neither of them could could bear. He felt it every time he ended up in this room, that something somewhere was about to break. But he was so scared to hurt either of them worse than he already had that he refused to let himself see the damage he was doing.

Because Isak never looked in the eyes these days.

“I can’t do this. I can't pretend this is nothing."

"You know it's not nothing" said Even.

"Then what the fuck, Even?"

He could feel him breathing against his chest, shallow and uneven, and Even pulled Isak back. There were tears in his eyes.

"...baby"

"You won't even kiss me."

So Even held his hand that was still hovering in the air and kissed him. It was hesitant at first, and then the way he had longed to for as long as he could remember. He cradled his head and kissed him desperate and gentle and slow, and Isak made an unthinking noise that he hated himself for having forgotten.

Even brushed away his tears with his thumbs and kissed him again. There was something trying to escape from his chest and a million emotions fighting for dominance in his head. He did the only thing he knew how to do, he rested their foreheads together, and breathed.

"You left me" Isak said quietly, and his voice sounded fragile. 

“I’m sorry” he whispered, when he trusted himself to speak. “I’m sorry. I just couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand losing you."

And it made no fucking sense. It made no fucking sense.

A few moments passed, and Even willed his own tears not to fall. He could feel the weight of Isak's gaze, and eventually he cupped his cheeks in that way he did, eyes calm and serious. "Look at me. If you’re just comforting me right now, if you’re just freaked out that I was in an accident, that’s okay.”

“That’s not why. I never want to lose you, I can't."

Isak kissed him this time, lips against lips, nose against nose, stirring every part of him that had become so frighteningly numb.

“Or if I’m just really high on painkillers..." Isak mumbled, and Even smiled. He kissed him deeper now, and Isak was utterly unresisting.

_We fit. We fit so well baby. What happened to us?_

Isak threaded his fingers in his Even's hair and started to shift into Even's lap-

“Jesus fuck that hurts.”

*     *     *

“I never gave a fuck about that guy from film class.” Even said quietly. “You know that right?”

“I know." Isak whispered. "I was stupid.”

”We were just friends. I was so fucking lonely, but I only ever wanted you.” Isak was lying on his chest, letting Even stroke his back through the soft fabric of his t-shirt. “But you were so sad, baby.”

“Because you wouldn’t talk to me.”

“I’m sorry.” Even looked up at the ceiling, and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “I didn’t want to put you through that again. I felt so trapped, you know? Like if I couldn’t protect myself from an episode, I could at least protect you.”

Isak's hand tightened in his own. “..Even.” Even could tell from his voice that his eyes were wet, and he tightened his arm around him.

“Don’t pretend you could have dealt with it though. Your job was destroying you.”

“I know. I should have quit." Isak sounded miserable. "I thought I could do it, and I felt responsible.”

Even kissed him. “It’s okay, I know. It was too much. There was too much on both of us.”

Isak nodded, and moved closer onto his chest. They kissed some more, fingers interlocked, just to remind each other that this was okay. They were okay. Even rubbed their noses together, and Isak smiled wider than Even had seen in years.

This was his Isak.  _Where did you go baby?_  

"Jonas is going to kill you" Isak mumbled.

They kissed until they couldn’t kiss anymore and then they talked and cried and kissed a little more, until they slept, and then did it all over again. It felt like everything Even had been missing. Time seemed to blur with the sunlight into warm evening, and he never wanted to leave this bed.

Tomorrow they would have to, and they would have to figure everything out, but they would. One day at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which Isak has to get hit by a car for them to sort their shit out. 10/10 would not recommend for sorting your relationship problems.  
> I wrote this quickly because i love you guys and i couldn't bear to leave them like that.  
> please leave a comment<33333


End file.
